Anger and aggression in the early years are a primary concern for many parents. And while they know they should do something to help their child, exactly what to do is not always clear.
It is crucial to help children better manage their emotions and choices. The missing piece of the puzzle is teaching children new, more functional ways to express what they feel.
Aggressive behavior in young children is not a sign of a “bad child” or necessarily of poor parenting. On the contrary, it is a sign that the child needs guidance and understanding — because children become aggressive when they are upset (and they often get upset over things adults might consider trivial).
Common triggers for aggressive behavior in early years include feelings of sadness, anxiety, frustration, and discomfort. Before a child hits, bites, or shows any aggressive act, they have likely experienced an intense mix of emotions — emotions that are difficult to regulate rationally. The child’s brain is still immature. The part of the brain that controls these “outbursts” and reactions is still under construction, and this maturation process is not complete until around the age of 21. Without intending to, children are prone to respond impulsively, especially in emotionally charged situations.
A frequent mistake parents make is to fall into the same trap and react impulsively themselves, expecting the child to communicate and understand while still emotionally charged. Instead, the ideal approach is to help the child calm down first, and then talk. When a child “attacks,” it means they are operating under the fight-or-flight mechanism — the system that activates when we feel threatened. In those moments, functions such as communication and logical thinking shut down and reflexes take over.
It is vitally important to shift our perception of these behaviors. When we understand that each child’s behavior carries important messages about their emotional state, we stand a much better chance of helping them.
“The child who does not feel accepted by their village will burn it to feel its warmth.”
— Wise African proverb
Short version for social posts / captions
Anger and aggression in young children often signal distress, not misbehavior. Children need guidance and new ways to express strong emotions — first help them calm down, then talk. When we see behavior as communication, we can truly help.